Wow i really thought i was gonna post every night huh
I read the previous post about finding the truth and i must say im not a gud writer man haha. Sure i think i made some pretty gud points, but some i totally tersalah bawak. For instance, the part where i thought my mum mistook truth for 'whatever Ustaz Hasbi said' just because she forgot the reasoning behind UH's reasons why the 4 mazhabs are important. It could have been mum just forgot haha. No fault in that. No logical fallacies
Its been 10 months since my last post and i must say a lot has changed. I've started working, i love my job, i love my colleagues and bosses, i love that i look forward to work and i feel im doing really cool and impt stuff at work
Im starting my part time masters in 2 weeks. It scares me because now that its getting closer and closer, i rmb being outshone by my batch mates during my undergrad years and i legit am worried if i can even meet the masters graduation requirements. I mean on paper i probably can pass inshaaAllah but i just cant help feeling small when im the only local student and i have to travel and work and probably signed up for too many commitments this year idk if ill have the energy and the brains to pull this off. I pray i can inshaaAllah
Speaking of commitments, ill really need to see if i wanna continue AAM and AFY next year or not. As im thinking of it now it seems i dont have time for either. I will make time for my classes with Ustaz Mukhtar on saturdays tho inshaaAllah
Speaking of commitments. I have to decide if i wanna continue getting to know H more or not. I met her last saturday morning and i told her i cant sit still and i have to do work. Thats a lie. I get pretty tired nowadays and im feeling so lazy to even commit to my commitments now. Im not lazy. Iz just im not such the workaholic which i thought i painted myself to be. H is a workaholic i feel (or cud she be just like me), and she reminds me of NM and his commitments with his youtube channel and dakwah all.
I feel like she is overly defined by the YN she made in uni. Like how i am probably defined mostly by my friends in mawlid since i was in Y1. Only diff iz for her its a lifestyle choice, for me its literally a life and death heaven and hell choice. I cant be the only one worried about the hereafter.
Should i get to know her more? She said she doesnt want me to expect her to change to 'Person X' and to just accept her as she is. Well. I dun uds the logic she uses sometimes. Yes, i can accept her. I can accept that she can change however she wishes to. I can accept she can change to someone who i happen to want-her-to-be. But i can't hope she changes to who i want-her-to-be? What if i want whats best for her for the hereafter, am i supposed to just leave her to her own choices (if they are wrong religion-wise)? Am i supposed to leave her to decide whats best for herself? Can i influence her?
I am all for respecting personal choice and what not, but if its going to implicate me, im gonna save myself and the ones i love even if it means not giving them what they want. Dun even get me started on how H's YN friends. I wonder if her friendships with them just a phase, or is it legit gonna last the ages. If the latter, how so?
Idk man. I feel like i need to know her more before i can say yes or no. I feel like i need to know if shes really a kind, selfless and sincere person. I feel like i need to know if she takes the religion seriously. I feel like i need to know if shes okay with my background (religion, family).
I will remain open minded.
I also wonder if im gonna activate Plan P the backup heh.
Man.
I will finish my 7 istikharahs tmrw. Hope itll all turn well inshaaAllah
Well im tired, i spent the whole day w a stupid migraine from too much sleep, my surface pro 6 is up and running and gud to go, i have work tmrw at Tuas, i have an impt writeup and assessment to do (itll be very awesome inshaaAllah), so ill sleep now man
Imma read the blog to see if this post is readable. Till next time
