Finals weeks

I put the title as finals week but honestly it doesn't feel like its a finals week. I don't feel stressed man idk if its just me being lackadaisical but i feel i can B- all the subjects with this currenr effort inshaaAllah. I'll try to memorise some formulas today hopefully

I'm listening to AFTV after a draw against Sutton and i'm sorry if the frustration will inexplicably seep into the tone of this post haha. I'm not sad, i'm feeling a lot of funny emotions haha i'll try break it down

Earlier i said P was a back up plan. But hmm. From the perspective of the circumstances 2 months ago, yes P was chronologically after H. But really H was never in it with a gud shot. It's really like A, H only fitted on paper. P on the other hand i always knew ader fireworks haha may Allah swt protect us. She's a better muslim than me and a better person overall. I've made my feelings known pretty clearly to P but idk what she feels

But. Tbh i think we'll make it in the end inshaaAllah. We just need to do it the proper way you know. I want a beautiful ending, i wanna put Allah swt first, may Allah swt give us strength to do so. I wanna express myself better cause i really think P doesn't know me and she doesnt have a reason to like me if i don't express myself. I need to be a better muslim cause she is a better muslim and i want to be better.

Or. I can continue to be guarded and not myself cause i dont want things to spiral out of control either. I wanna make plans abt what to do next but inshaaAllah that'll come after finals next week, otherwise i feel like i'll be thinking with the finals bogging down at the back of my mind.

I wanna put it on record that yesterday she seemed different. Perhaps thats probably cause of the gr8 sesh FM had that evening and MM in the afternoon, and mawlid season is just smtg else. I also wanna put it on record that this has been the most blessed weeks for me cause i feel so great to be able to attend majilis everywhere and find everyone in a mawlid mood. Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah.

Okay back to P. Great person, hope she passes her driving and passes her courses well. Actl i hope shes just happy lah haha im sure passing driving will be hard cause its been a while for her and passing driving in general is not ez. Hope it all turns well.


Okay away from P I NEED TO GET HER OFF MY MIND SOMETIMES okay. I hope i can pass my finals inshaaAllah. I hope to be able to go to the Zoo someday haha. I wanna be a better muslim too please

Doas doas doas.

All the best for L and A man. And for I inshaaAllah.

See ya next time m8.

Week 4

Hey. I'm omw to my work onsite now as im writing this. In the train and its raining i wonder if ill get stuck in the rain later

Yesterday i was so tired during class i dozed off a few times. Am feeling the stretch of the masters course, but i better pick up soon cause 2nd half of the sem iz gonna be crayy so i better get my term paper done soon

Will be fine inshaaAllah

Yesterday i realised i love people who put in real passion, dedication and just brute, honest work to make a living. I just love seeing people try their hardest, esp if theyre not very good at it. Like for eg a youtuber trying to get on mainstream channels so he tries his best with his videos and just puts in honest, good work. Or someone studying their asses off for an exam they know they probably dont deserve to sit for. Like what ill do for the next 3 sems

I desperately wanna finish my masters in 2 years so ill need to overload for this first 3 sems. Can be done inshaaAllah. ZR told me grades should not be an issue and im comforted by that

Im afraid to make another rash stupid decision so ill hold off the jodoh stuff till another time. If i get thru this sem, ill be fine inshaaAllah. Next sem will probably be the hardest but hey ill miss this when its over

Cya later folks. I wish i have the opportunity to sleep later. I also want to match H up with A if it doesnt work out with H (i think it wont work out w me lah haha)

School here we go again

Tomorrow is the start of my masters. Bismillah. I hope i won't regret signing up for it.

Right now im writing this blog entry as im listening to a podcast by Arsenal fans on yt. I love hearing them talk sometimes. Perhaps i cant focus 100% if i multitask like this, but maybe i dun really need to focus for some tasks and i can listen to these yt podcasts when im at work or writing blogs and such

I wonder how im gonna cope with student and work life later. Will i be bz. Will i lose myself, lose my optimism. Mmm

Looking back at my first few years in NUS, and how happy everyone was during graduation, im sure itll be worthwhile in the end inshaaAllah. I was bz with FOC during my undergrad graduation so i dun think i was that happy and overwhelmed w happiness during my graduation, but i hope i will be when i finish my masters inshaaAllah. And my parents will be proud too and thatll be great inshaaAllah.

Sigh i have so many memories running thru my mind now. From PGP where we had our first mawlid event in year 1 to FOC in my final year. To the usual solat gang at masjid temtera. To the science lecture theatres, where i had great memories both academically and what not. To E5 engineering block. Lovely. Im looking forward to schl. It'll be awesome inshaaAllah

In the end i left it to H to decide how much she wants to get to know me more. Tbh, i feel like i can do without her (perhaps maybe hope she can say this to me? Itll save me the trouble of making the first move). Or i can end things with her but maybe she may look bad if i made the first move. Also cause TH told me to take things slow so maybe i shudnt be so quick to pull the trigger yknow

At the same time, i started to talk to P. P iz cool she doesnt really jump to conclusions when i started asking her qns she uds iz just to get to know her more. She is not from RI/RGS and i dun like her friends and i dun really wanna go to Brunei so those are her bad points. Plus a lot of ppl probably dun expect me to be with her now yk.

But who knows. We'll wait and see for that one. Things will unfold nicely if its meant to be inshaaAllah.

Right now my mind is prepared for two things: my masters and my work. I hope i can do both well. I hope at the same time i can treasure more time with my parents and brother these next couple of months though.

Everything else can wait for a few more weeks/months before i make another move i guess. See yall later my friends.

10 months on...

Wow i really thought i was gonna post every night huh

I read the previous post about finding the truth and i must say im not a gud writer man haha. Sure i think i made some pretty gud points, but some i totally tersalah bawak. For instance, the part where i thought my mum mistook truth for 'whatever Ustaz Hasbi said' just because she forgot the reasoning behind UH's reasons why the 4 mazhabs are important. It could have been mum just forgot haha. No fault in that. No logical fallacies

Its been 10 months since my last post and i must say a lot has changed. I've started working, i love my job, i love my colleagues and bosses, i love that i look forward to work and i feel im doing really cool and impt stuff at work

Im starting my part time masters in 2 weeks.  It scares me because now that its getting closer and closer, i rmb being outshone by my batch mates during my undergrad years and i legit am worried if i can even meet the masters graduation requirements. I mean on paper i probably can pass inshaaAllah but i just cant help feeling small when im the only local student and i have to travel and work and probably signed up for too many commitments this year idk if ill have the energy and the brains to pull this off. I pray i can inshaaAllah

Speaking of commitments, ill really need to see if i wanna continue AAM and AFY next year or not. As im thinking of it now it seems i dont have time for either. I will make time for my classes with Ustaz Mukhtar on saturdays tho inshaaAllah

Speaking of commitments. I have to decide if i wanna continue getting to know H more or not. I met her last saturday morning and i told her i cant sit still and i have to do work. Thats a lie. I get pretty tired nowadays and im feeling so lazy to even commit to my commitments now. Im not lazy. Iz just im not such the workaholic which i thought i painted myself to be. H is a workaholic i feel (or cud she be just like me), and she reminds me of NM and his commitments with his youtube channel and dakwah all.

I feel like she is overly defined by the YN she made in uni. Like how i am probably defined mostly by my friends in mawlid since i was in Y1. Only diff iz for her its a lifestyle choice, for me its literally a life and death heaven and hell choice. I cant be the only one worried about the hereafter.

Should i get to know her more? She said she doesnt want me to expect her to change to 'Person X' and to just accept her as she is. Well. I dun uds the logic she uses sometimes. Yes, i can accept her. I can accept that she can change however she wishes to. I can accept she can change to someone who i happen to want-her-to-be. But i can't hope she changes to who i want-her-to-be? What if i want whats best for her for the hereafter, am i supposed to just leave her to her own choices (if they are wrong religion-wise)? Am i supposed to leave her to decide whats best for herself? Can i influence her?

I am all for respecting personal choice and what not, but if its going to implicate me, im gonna save myself and the ones i love even if it means not giving them what they want. Dun even get me started on how H's YN friends. I wonder if her friendships with them just a phase, or is it legit gonna last the ages. If the latter, how so?

Idk man. I feel like i need to know her more before i can say yes or no. I feel like i need to know if shes really a kind, selfless and sincere person. I feel like i need to know if she takes the religion seriously. I feel like i need to know if shes okay with my background (religion, family).

I will remain open minded.

I also wonder if im gonna activate Plan P the backup heh.

Man.

I will finish my 7 istikharahs tmrw. Hope itll all turn well inshaaAllah

Well im tired, i spent the whole day w a stupid migraine from too much sleep, my surface pro 6 is up and running and gud to go, i have work tmrw at Tuas, i have an impt writeup and assessment to do (itll be very awesome inshaaAllah), so ill sleep now man

Imma read the blog to see if this post is readable. Till next time

What do we know about the Truth?

There's a lot of issues that people are bringing up online, and i just finished Fadhilah Wahid's Light upon Light book, but tonight i feel like talking about what i heard my mum say to me earlier this morning which was ringing in my mind a few moments after our short conversation:

M: How strongly do you believe that there is a need for the 4 mazhabs?

K: uh...yeah i believe there's a need.

M: How strongly do you believe?

K: ...uh yeah pretty strongly

M: That time Ustaz (Hasbi) baru explain dengan detailed, dengan buku2 yang sahih, kenapa mazhab itu penting. But i cannot put it in words why exactly. Why did you take long to answer?

K: No i was just wondering why you would ask me smtg like that.

M: I'm just worried that's all.

...

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I should have thanked mum for the concern, but i didn't. Mum has her heart in the right place, she thinks she is on the right path of Truth and she's making sure that i'm safely on it with her. She didn't have to say anth about this matter (she could have just lepas tangan and let me be, which is the easier way of doing things), but she took time to advise me anw and that alone warranted my gratitude and i was dumb to not say thanks to her just now.

But a few thoughts came across my mind, thoughts which have been recurring throughout my years in NUSMS. How are we so sure that the path we're on is the Truth? Mum's teacher explained to her, and since mum doesn't rmb the explanation, it goes to show that she is basing her choice based on her loyalty to Ustaz Hasbi, and not on reason, even though no doubt Ustaz Hasbi is a man of solid credential.

I rmbed also my father used to blame some of my misdeeds on 'salah cikgu' or 'fikir dah pandai', but i know he himself does not base his path of Truth on logical reason, but more of circumstance (ie finding a respectable, credible teacher that says this is the Truth and not actl comprehending the reason behind it yourself). Wouldn't this mean that the Truth would be based solely on circumstance?

Have always wondered what if i was brought up in a Syiah/Salafi/etc household and have learnt from Syiah/Salafi scholars, would i still be convinced that the current Truth i hold on to (one which is upheld in my family) is the Truth?

If i were borned without external influence, would i have found the Truth?

How do we know that the path that we're on now iz really the path of Truth?

Well i guess the answer is pretty short: we won't ever know for sure, but we should try to understand 'Truth matters' in any case. It pains me to see people very staunch in their belief, but not really understanding why they're doing what they're doing. It also pains me to see people (my age) thinking they're really smart and trying to rationalise and conclude on what is the Truth. None of us have a huge cult following or have tested our ideas on a mass public level, and none of us can truly say we have reached an intelligent conclusion on the Truth, unless we base our conclusions based on ulama' or religious authorities who have reached their conclusion of the Truth themselves (ie Mazhabs/ulama'). And so yeah it makes sense for us to follow them even though we might do it blindly.

The thing is, there are Salafi and Syiah scholars around, just like there are Sufi and traditional scholars. This appraisal of the Truth iz ultimately a scholar's debate, and we have no domain in it (though we should try to uds it). Perhaps the main point then is that we should focus on having good character to everyone (esp those who don't share our povs) since that is in everyone's domain you know. And this includes giving thanks to well-intentioned people who advice you out of their own want, even if we are uncomfortable with the advice given.

We may not be muslim scholars, but we certainly can be muslims with good character, and that to me is the biggest Sunnah for us general Muslims to follow.

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Today i killed someone at least 10 levels ahead of me in the Wilderness volcano of Runescape (who attacked me btw hehe), and i got a full set or Rune armour for it. And i killed two PKers and nearly one more bugger who attacked me. And i killed a Dangerous Greater Demon, while killing 2 side Greater Demons with Dragon Breath on the side hahaha. Was a good runescape day.

I also completed more job applications. Hopefully will get a job soon :) everyone else seems to have started working alrd.

Fi amanillah!

Bismillah

Well here goes another attempt at maintaining a blog. A few reasons why i'd like to make this blog though:

1) Iz a good place to reflect and i think i need that man - don't wanna go through the paces in life and miss the important moments. Perhaps this can be a place for me to look back over time and see what a noob/douche bag i was or just simply to see my own transition in life (for better or for worse)

2) So many people have views of social media of many issues. Thiz blog can be a place for me to record my views on certain issues and see how it changes over time (see above)

3) Am getting bored with other stuff online :(

4) Place for me to rant i guess. But will try to keep it honest.

I think i'll try to write about just one topic for every post so this doesn't turn into a sad emo teenage blog. Your boi here iz (trying to be) better than that.


TOPIC ONE: Reflections.

I was reading this brilliant book by Fadhilah Wahid called Light Upon Light, which is essentially a pile of letters she wrote as reminders and learning points for herself (and the readers lah kan) and it's like a blog lah in other words. I read this story about how she was listening to this online lecture from Shaykh Hamzah Yusof abt Heedlessness and how she was reading this other book by another person about practising intent and she decided (since it was the new year when she received this epiphany) that she was gonna keep a diary to reflect on her life everyday.

Heedlessness as SHY defined it is the lack of attentiveness towards life itself. Reflection is a great way for one to pay attention to thought processes, emotions, reactions, problems and really allows one to "pull further and further away to see the bigger picture" (quoted from her) of life. I think its great man. Esp when you reflect on raw, honest feelings, and if you're writing from an emotional pov then even better, cause you'll see how you act/react with all the emotions going on in your head.

Reflections are great as a marker for personal development. If you feel comfortable with sharing these reflections (and if you're a good writer HAHA) i guess you can even inspire by sharing with others and even write an award winning book with it haha.

I don't want to miss one thing and perhaps in the future i'll look back on this evening and see this blog of Reflections as a step forward in my own journey of life inshaaAllah.

Will try to write at least once a night, as short and sweet as posssible :). Fi amanillah!